Full Circle

I told my parents that I’m coming to Germany at the end of next month. I’ve decided that it will just be a great deal easier if I go there now, so that I can set things in motion for when I want to start my university in September. I mean, before that time I’ll have to find two letters of recommendation (very hard, when you’re in India), a place to stay, a place to earn money and places to hang out.

Besides, springs were always really nice in Amsterdam. I have very fond memories of sitting in the Vondel park, which is commonly known as Amsterdam’s back garden (since the houses are too close together for anybody to actually have a back garden). So everybody throws out their blankets and their coolers and makes music, plays games, eat ice cream, drink beer, etc, etc.

Of course the last time I was there I was 22 or 23. What I enjoyed then I might very well not feel too fondly about now, but hey, I can’t keep using that as an excuse not to go back. Besides, it will only be for about 2 ½ years. After that I’ll almost certainly push off again. 2 ½ years is manageable. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself now.

The result will be a Masters in psychology and slightly less guilt floating around between my ears. Both well worth the time, if you ask me (Very often when I wake up in the morning I have this feeling of complete despondency. I feel horribly worried about where I’m going, what I’m doing and why. That is also the time where I feel the loneliest. Loneliness is integral part of being alone, of course, but that doesn’t make it any more fun.)

And after that? I really don’t know. People keep asking me why I want to go back for my masters in Psychology. I always answer the same thing: because I want to learn more about psychology. Is that the only reason, they ask, you’re not doing this for your future? Not really, I’m forced to respond, I’d probably get exactly where I’m supposed to be going even if I didn’t get my Masters degree. I’m doing this because I’ve spent too much time on the practical and I want to go back to the drawing board and look at the theoretical again.

I miss discussing the theory. I miss the mid-night drunken debates, I miss the stimulation, I miss the other people who believe they know better than you and are more than willing to try and show you. I miss the direction, the deadlines, the purpose. I miss doing something just for me, rather than for some boss or for some client. In short, I miss education.

Fortunately, when I finished university all those years ago I never said that I absolutely never would go back, or at least I think I didn’t, but I got pretty close. It’s funny how we change our ideas so radically as we grow older, isn’t it? It’s a bit like that saying ‘somebody that’s a communist at twenty is an idealist, while somebody that’s a communist at thirty is obviously an idiot.’

Well, I’m certainly not a communist anymore.