Accepted

I have been accepted into university. As you can probably guess I'm quite thrilled. I said a few weeks ago that if I got in I'd post my motivation letter, so here it is, the motivation letter that got into the VU Social Psychology program: (Maybe you can find the two grammar mistakes in there?)

Re: What motivates me?

The first time I was asked to write a motivational letter for university I never even mentioned what motivated me, not once; yet the letter, according to the selection board, was essential in getting me accepted.

Now, eleven years later, I’m being asked to do it again. The assignment is the same, the purpose is the same, shouldn’t I therefore behave the same? Pavlov and his behavioural psychologist would answer ‘yes’. For me the answer is ‘no’. It’s therefore a good thing that behaviourism is no longer a mainstream psychological philosophy – something that the request of a letter of motivation by a psychology department testifies to.

The big disparity between then and now is indeed internal; then I didn’t care that much about whether I would get in or not, this time around I came back to the Netherlands – after seven years of absence – to get into the VU Social Psychology program. So the difference between the letter now and the letter eleven years ago is encompassed in one word: motivation.

I’ve become fascinated by people. This wasn’t always the case. For the longest time I was far more interested in thoughts than in the people that had them. That changed when I read about Antonio Damásio’s research in which he suggests that emotions are a fundamental part of every decision. Suddenly my entire world image flip – I realised that thoughts can’t be considered separately from the people that have them.

For that reason I want to learn about us and add to our understanding of ourselves. Though I’m constantly reading about and observing the human condition, there are limits to how much you can do with just books and anecdotal evidence. That’s why I want to join the Social Psychology Research Masters program at the Vrije Universiteit; where I believe I’ll be able to both take from and add to the field of Social Psychology.

There is a big difference between wanting to contribute and being able to contribute, however; so how do I think I can contribute? There are a myriad of ways, but I will only discuss a few here.

Since very young I’ve lived all over the world, which makes me the quintessential outsider. The constant exposure to other cultures has forced me to re-evaluate my assumptions over and over again. I believe – an assumption, of course – that this has forced me to always be objective and open minded.

While my time as a writer and a teacher has given me an analytical and critical mind. The reason for that is that any serious student or editor will not let you get away with mistakes or omissions. You must learn to explain things both clearly and succinctly. The best in both professions can make complex things appear simple; since the beginning this is the skill I’ve strived to learn.

These skills and more I want to bring to the field of Social Psychology; initially in the capacity of a student and eventually in the capacity of an educator. And that brings me to the end of my answer – which is a question of my own: will you have me?

Best Regards,


Jelte ten Holt

And then you find something like this

And it makes your whole day a bit better. Because ultimately it's about people doing original and inventive things.

Fizzle

I haven’t written for a long time. The reason is, quite simply, that I didn’t want to. The reason for that (there’s always a reason for everything) was that I was simply too exhausted. Correction, I just am too exhausted. Well, not at this exact moment in time. I just slept for two hours on the couch and I think I can summon the energy to write a post. I guess some people might be getting worried about me; after all, this is the only way that some people can still check up on me. Is he posting? Good, he must still be alive.

My job has been demanding all my energy. First it was physical energy and now it has turned into mental energy. My body has been trained now, it can take running around for ten hours, five days in a row. The muscle aches are gone. The problem is that the job is becoming more and more mentally demanding.

And my brain is suffering. It isn’t used to getting hundreds of things stamped into it every day – at least not in the way that is required here. It isn’t used to the stress anymore. After all, from nine months of no full-time job I was thrown into something quite intense. It is adapting. New connections are being made and such; soon I’ll be able to do all that is required from me and still have energy afterwards, but I haven’t quite got there yet.

This is showing up in a couple of places. Firstly my memory has been shot to hell. Things slip out of it constantly. I lose pieces of paper, phone chargers and keys; I forget important days, other people’s business and what I’m doing. It is actually accompanied by a feeling. It feels like my brain is fizzing.

Secondly I’ve lost motivation. I’ve stopped reading anything mildly challenging, as it’s pretty much pointless; it won’t stick anyway. I’ve stopped posting here, as it won’t be worth reading anyway (my brain is generally far too scattered.) I’m way less positive than a few weeks ago; in fact I might be slipping into one of my regular depressions. Hopefully realising it might mean I can do something about it.

Don’t worry, it will all pass. In fact, that fact that I’m posting here might mean I’m starting to come out the other end. Or it might be that two hours of sleep I just had. Maybe it’s both. Besides, I know I’m learning. My brain is being rewired to deal with this line of work, which will no doubt be very useful somewhere in the near future. It’s important to be able to remember dozens of things at the same time. You never know when that will be useful.

I’m looking forward to the rewiring being done, because it’s so frustrating when things slip from your mind that you really should remember. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes over the last few weeks and I hate making any kind of mistake, especially stupid ones. The brain is immensely adaptive and changeable. So hurry up and fucking well adapt. I’m getting sick of functioning below par.

Mass Hysteria

My three months in Goa still seem to be having their effect. I feel no desire to go out and party, dance or stay out all night. For the time being I’m content reading, working and learning. The only real excitement that I’m permitting myself is the football – and with good reason, for this is the one European Cup where the Dutch actually have a chance to win.

Truth be told, that isn’t the only reasons. I must say that I find the up welling of nationalistic quite entertaining. Over the years I’ve been in many countries and I’ve seen the different ways that people celebrate their country’s victories in different competitions and I have to give that to the Dutch, they certainly celebrate in more style than most. When I was in India, for example, and they were playing their world cup cricket matches the resulting exuberance was frightening at times. It was a type of mass hysteria that threatened to get violent on occasion. I haven’t had that feeling over here.

What is funny though is what my girlfriend mentioned two days ago. She said that in anthropology they talked about an observed phenomenon during mass rituals where people can do things that they normally wouldn’t be permitted to do. When you look at the orange mob on the TV screens they are engaged in behaviour that in normal circumstances would be odd at best, but is now considered acceptable and actually encouraged.

I had never considered that that is what festivals allows us to do (and that I had actually engaged in a similar type of behaviour) and that festivals are a sort of venting mechanism where we get to give in to a kind of hysteria and have it not be frowned upon by the people around us. And that, in turn, explains the attraction of festivals. It is where you can safely go nuts or watch other people go nuts.

Which, in turn, shows us the attraction of all going to Switzerland and Austria (places that aren’t really that far away) without stadium tickets and just go along with the insanity. It’s a lot like Halloween – except then for grown ups.

The implications of this thought haven’t completely registered on me, but I almost directly see parallels in other areas in life. For instance one thing that has always struck me as funny, but that fits perfectly with this kind of exuberance is what I call ‘the bikini phenomenon’, whereby it is perfectly acceptable to walk around with only a little bit of fabric covering your ‘private bits’ (i.e. on the beach or at the swimming pool) while in other places it would draw some completely shocked reactions (i.e. on a busy shopping street or on a terrace). The amount of clothing doesn’t change, how hot it is doesn’t change, but somehow the social acceptability changes completely.

And don’t even think about arguing that it’s acceptable in the former because we go swimming there while it isn’t acceptable in the latter because there’s no water nearby. Lots and lots of people go to the swimming pool to sunbathe without even going into the water once! And only two days ago I went to a fake beach (where I discussed the mass hysteria mentioned above) in the middle of a city, without anywhere to swim or get wet (no dirty thoughts here please) and it was still perfectly acceptable for everybody to wear bikinis and swimming shorts.

Sorry about the long pauses

Sunday I sent out my research article. I’m quite happy with it, actually. It was the best I could do with the time available and – unless they wanted me to analyse the numbers – it should be more than good enough to get me in. I wouldn’t have been able to write that kind of an article at the end of my time in university and then I wrote essays that generally got me A grades if I knew what I was talking about, so hey.

For the rest I’ve been working my ass off. I’m not exactly how many hours I worked in the last five days, but it was certainly over the legal limit. That doesn’t really bother me (I think that the rules which officially restrict you to like 38 hours are ridiculous) but what does bother me is the muscle aches I’ve been left with. My body really isn’t yet used to the kind of abuse that running around like a mad monkey of on steroids requires.

And that’s what my job requires. I realised a few days ago that since I started working at my job I hadn’t gone to the toilet even once during a shift. I simply ran all the liquid out of my body that I drank (which has led to the occasional headache, I admit).

It kind of feels like when I first started training my body. Everything hurt for weeks. Then I just kept going and after a while the pain went away. I’m hoping the same will happen here, because that’s the only option I’ve got (I can’t work slower, as then everything would fall apart. Nor do I want to work slower. Working fast is what makes this job survivable.)

So how long will I do this job? I imagine I’ll stop after the summer. It is fun, but I’d rather use my brain a bit more and my body a little less. It’s great to learn more control over my hands, feet and body in general (which is what jobs in bars, pubs and café teach you. After all, you can’t drop too many glasses in a day without losing your job!) but you should do what you’re really good at. I’m good at words, thoughts and ideas – not so much coffee, carrying plates and cleaning ashtrays.

Still, there’s still a great deal to learn here and while there’s something to learn (and money to be made) there’s a reason for me to be there.

Let’s hope there’s still something to learn till the end of the summer.

The Cafe Job

Isn’t it funny that the only time I’ve spent talking about my job has been when I just got it? Especially considering that I really do spend quite a lot of time there. Last week I worked four days (at an average of more than eight hours a day) and this week I’ll be spending five days there. I think that the reason is, quite simply, that it is just a job. It’s a way to make money so that I can continue doing the other things in my life that I need to do.

Not that I don’t like my job; it’s actually quite entertaining! Nor is it that I’m not learning anything; I’m learning a great deal about people management and other things involved in small businesses. It’s just that I know that ultimately I can do better than this. I’m not ashamed of the job, there is nothing wrong with giving good service to customers, I just want to do things that make more of a difference than serving individuals (exceedingly good) pieces of pie.

Still, when I’m at my workplace I give myself completely. There’s something I’ve realised: when you’re working in a service industry (like bartending, banking or sales) if you give you, you get so much back! If you smile, work hard and try your best – people will appreciate it and send back energy that will keep you going and going and going, till long after ordinary batteries have run out of steam.

What I’ve noticed, though, is that it doesn’t just work with customers, it also works with other staff members. I’ve got numerous complements; either directly or through management. People just like working with me. They haven’t told me exactly why they like working with me, but they do.

My personal hypothesis is that they like working with me for a number of reasons. I work hard, I have fun, I don’t complain and I lead by example. Another thing is that I have a much more nuanced understanding of people’s moods and attitudes. This was forced into me through my years in Asia and my time spent learning how to read people. I now often know how people feel about me (and when they are unhappy) when they think those feelings are perfectly hidden. You can’t believe how great of an advantage that is - when you can start altering your behavior, before people have even started complaining and when you already have an answer to a person’s question before they’ve asked it (because you knew it was coming).

Of course I might be completely wrong. It has happened before and it will no doubt happen again. Still, I don’t think so. I think I’ve got a pretty good grasp on what’s going on and I think I’m going to do alright.

The question is more, how long will I keep working there? Well, I don’t really know. Probably till I start my university (They pay isn’t the best in the world, but it’s a good environment and I feel I can actually make a difference here. This is the kind of place that I can actually make better).

Plus, of course, I’m learning and that is ultimately a vital key to every job. Well, at least for me.

Ugly Duckling

Why do I want to study psychology? Because I believe that one of the most important understandings you can have is an understanding of self. Each of us is different and a unique set of strengths and weaknesses; but each of us is also part of the human race and that gives us all a set of collective strengths and weaknesses. Do you know what those are? I’m discovering more every day now, because of my reading and I’ve come to realise that I truly don’t understand myself; but I can.

Psychologist in the last couple of decades have been researching amazing subjects, from how words influence behaviour subconsciously (which is called priming) to our inability to actually recall emotion associated with an experience; with the current emotional state instead making you reinterpret the past experience. Then there’s the studies that have looked into how our visual picture is formed and how many assumptions we must make just to be able to see (it’s by manipulating those assumptions that we can see optical illusions). And the research that discovered that emotions are not just mental, but also physical (as in the way you carry your body influences your mood and not just the other way around).

And you know what the cool thing is? If I get in to the Social Psychology Research Masters I’ll get to add to all that great stuff out there. I’ll get to find out how we’re put together.

From my letter of motivation:
“I’ve become fascinated by people. This wasn’t always the case. For the longest time I was far more interested in thoughts than in the people that had them. That changed when I read about Antonio Damásio’s research in which he suggests that emotions are a fundamental part of every decision. Suddenly my entire world image flip[ed] – I realised that thoughts can’t be considered separately from the people that have them.”

(Notice the square brackets above. I added this just now because I made a mistake in the original letter and sent it with without the ‘ed’. I’m kicking myself)

I’ve always felt that I had to add something to the world. It’s been a driving force inside me for as long as I can remember. I think that over the next two years I can add something. That fills me with a warm feeling inside.

I better get back to my paper. I still have to make sure they take me.

Is this one of those ‘don’t count your chickens before they hatch’ moments?

Response

I unfortunately feel the need to write this post in response to Pyrrhus’ tirade on my last post several days ago. I really have no desire to write it, but I feel it is necessary.

Pyrrhus: The last entry was provoked by your comment, but it was not an attack. It was simply something I believed and continue to believe strongly. If you feel personally attacked I am sorry. It wasn’t my intention. As for all you said; well I can’t really respond to it. It’s impassioned and eloquent. It is also clearly what you believe. You see, a lot of the basic premises that you hold up as absolute truths I just don’t agree with. You seem to believe the state is evil and wicked – I don’t. You seem to believe that an open market will resolve all ills – I don’t.

Though I do believe an open market with few restrictions is better than a controlled market and I am against a lot of the trappings of socialism – I don’t believe that you can trust the market mechanism completely. This is my personal belief and can’t be argued for the simple reason that no country has ever let its market be completely free and therefore any argument is mere speculation.

What I do want to talk about is your form of argumentation. If you want to convince me you’ve got to argue from my perspective. You argue (and I see this a lot) from a completely different base. It’s a lot like how the religious argue against the non-religious. This has actually happened to me on a number of occasions where a person says ‘this is so because it says it in the bible’. Then I try to explain to them that I don’t consider the bible an authorative source, but they don’t understand that. We but heads, we cool down, we try again. I try to explain something from a scientific perspective and they look at me like I was born on another planet. For them putting science on par with the bible is impossible; the latter is obviously – quite literally – the more authorative source.

The same thing is happening here. You argue from how you beliefs about how the world should be which obviously clash with mine. You want a state as free as possible from government intervention, because you believe that every man, woman and child should be free to lead their own lives as they want. I have no problem with that belief and agree with it to a large extent. I just don’t see it as the end all. I ultimately am more interested in the future of our species and our evolution into something more than we are today.

For that we need education for all that want it, as cheaply as possible. Yes you’ve got your sales men, your Bill Gates types and your Enron scandals (all of which are big news, of course, because they go against the grain, but never mind) but that doesn’t change the fact that people’s average chances improve with education and that the more each individual can do, the better off we are all together (you can’t get more capitalist than that).

Oh and lastly, simply because I argue against an idea doesn’t mean I automatically embrace the available alternative. If I argue against capitalism that doesn’t mean I’m promoting socialism. There is always a third, possible alternative, which might still need to be discovered. Just like if somebody manages to poke a hole in evolution theory that doesn’t necessarily mean god exists (there might be a third alternative) me saying that capitalism doesn’t have all the answers doesn’t mean I’m embracing socialism or communism.

Education for Free

Education and information is one of the great equalising forces of our society and should therefore be available to all who desire it. To limit education is to limit opportunities. Not all people are born equal, that’s a fact; but we should still strive to give everybody equal opportunities as long as the costs do not outweigh the benefits.

To restrict education is to restrict those of great potential but little wealth from adding their full value to society, as a result society is poorer and – in effect – we are all hurt.

To believe that capitalism is the cure all and end all is silly, it is not perfect, nor is it ever going to be. We should never put our full faith in any one system but should always by looking for alternatives. To modify a famous quote by Winston Churchill, Capitalism is the worst system except for every other system we’ve ever tried. (For those of you unfamiliar with the quote, the original quote was about democracy, not capitalism).

I’m not saying that the socialist model used in Europe is necessarily better. Obviously the investment in education and research is greater if the returns are greater and this is one of the reasons why in many ways the top educational facilities in America are envied the world over. On the other hand, I refuse to believe that a system that restricts access to research to the rich and those that are members of established institutions is the right way to approach education and the spread of information.

Though admittedly there seems to be a correlation between intelligence and wealth, this is a weak correlation at best and even if the correlation was strong then that would still not prove anything, as it might be that wealth allows people more access to learning, thereby raising average intelligence (besides, there are as yet no intelligent measurement systems that can truly be trusted).

In purely capitalist societies, such as the United States, social mobility is actually lower than in socialist states (in other words, if you want to live the American dream it is better to go socialist states like Sweden, Denmark and, yes, the Netherlands). I believe, though this is conjecture, that the reason for this is largely in the accessibility and differences in quality of educational institutes.

Ultimately, dollar for dollar, education is one of the best ways to raise people’s chances to take care of themselves. It is better than social welfare, it is better than charities and it is better than armed intervention. It is also one of the best ways to reduce crime rates, raise social awareness and improve people’s understanding of government policies.

This does not mean I’m advocating that every person should be educated. That is ultimately a choice that every person should make for themselves. What it does mean is that I believe every person should have the opportunity to receive a good education and any system that does not allow this – like a purely capitalist system – is ultimately sabotaging itself.

Even one of the most purely capitalist systems I have encountered, namely the system in Singapore, realises this and heavily subsidises education. Singapore does not need to spend a great deal of cash on social welfare, law enforcement or other systems to aid its population. What is more, they don’t feel the need to use protectionist measures to safe guard their people. Instead, they retrain the people to fill a needed niche – thereby keeping their people working and their country relevant.

We all know the adage by now, ‘give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime.’ The best way to teach a man is to give him access to places where he can learn.

Science Journals

I’m sitting on the internet right now trying to do research on my article. More specifically, I’m trying to get access to a number of journal articles written by the same people who did the research I’m supposed to write about, but then after they completed the one I’m supposed to be discussing.

The conclusion I’ve come to, so far, is that I’m going to have to pay about 30 US per article to get the articles. It might be possible to get them cheaper, but I don’t know how and I don’t have a great deal of time to find out either.

Of course, if I was a student right now I wouldn’t have to pay a dime, because both of the universities in Amsterdam will no doubt have the journals in their database. I’d have free access to the journals to do my research and write a more in depth report about the article I’m supposed to be discussing.

But I’m not a student, nor am I rich enough to really go around splashing cash on research articles that might very well not be terribly useful to me in the long run. So what’s left for me to do? Find illicit copies, of course. Hopefully some anarchist somewhere decided that it was horrible that journals dare charge us poor sods that much for access to a single article and therefore put the entire journal I’m trying to find online for free. So far I’ve found a couple of psychology journals online (and I’m downloading them as we speak. You never know when they might be useful!), but not the one I’m looking for.

Not too surprising really, as those people that are interested in the type of reading I’m interested in are generally not of the anarchistic persuasion. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that people don’t really think they are helping the anarchistic movement (an oxymoron to begin with) by putting psychology journals online for free. They’d be right, as me reading these articles will not help anybody but me (and I’m certainly no anarchist), but nonetheless you’d think they’d be a bit more empathic towards struggling individuals like myself.

Why are these journals so bloody expensive anyway? How can researchers look the common people in the eye when they charge prohibitively large sums for their journals? I thought science was all about helping everybody, but instead it seems to be very much a matter of helping only those in the ivory tower – or those rich enough to pay the entry fee.

The only open source journal I found charged the authors instead of the readers; which is also ridiculous. Why can’t it just be free? Why does anybody need to be charged for making research available? Who the hell decided that discovery had to be so damned expensive?

Research Article

After I handed in my application they sent me my research assignment from the university. If I finish that satisfactorily then I should be accepted. The research assignment is based on an article called ‘Visceral Drives in Retrospect’ by Loran F. Nordgren, Joop van der Pligt, and Frenk van Hurreveld. It’s actually a really interesting article that I – funnily enough – already read about six months ago.

The research shows that our memories are mood dependent. If we feel different from the time when a memory was stored then we attribute our actions to different things. So, for example, if we were really angry when we hit somebody but now we’re much calmer while we remember we’re bound to think that we hit that person for a very logical reason, rather than an emotional one.

This fits right in with research that has been done into memory storage and memory recall, wherein it was discovered that our memories are often false and change over time. I’ve spoken about that very frequently over the last year or so, with very good reason. After all, if we believe that our memories are trustworthy when they are not, then that is bound to lead to a great deal of conflict, while if we’re all aware that we can’t trust our own memories very far, then we should be able to avoid confrontations with our loved ones.

I know I avoid quite a bit of conflict by saying ‘I’m not quite sure how it went, maybe it went like you said’. Of course, I have my own version of events in my own head, but who is to say whose memories are to be trusted? Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m right, maybe neither of us are; what’s the use in getting into a fight over it? After all, nearly ever conversation that is longer than five minutes has at least one false memory in it (yes, even for you. I’ve found I’ve got much further in life since I’ve started accepting my own limitations. If I understand what I – and others – can and cannot do, then I can play on my strengths and cover for my weaknesses.)

Anyway, back to the essay. So I have two weeks to finish writing a two page response (well four double spaced, but whatever) and it should all go well except for one little problem, they want me to discuss the methodology – which is academic speak for the mathematics used to analyse the statistics. The problem is I’ve well and truly lost all my statistical analysis skills. I’ve got a book on statistical analysis that I’ve nicked from my girlfriend and hopefully that will be some use, but that does worry me.

But then I always seem to be worried about something and it generally seems to end up going alright, so I’ll just do my best and hope that that is good enough.

Work in Progress

I have a job. I’m working as a floor manager in this tiny little café near to the tourist hub of the city of Amsterdam. It’s actually really close to the Ann Frank house, so we get lots of tourists running through – with many of them stopping to make use of our premises. The main reason for that is that the café has a bridge right in front of it and on that bridge we have a terrace. That terrace sits in the sun (when it’s sunny) and is therefore a real trekpleister (That's dutch. The literal translation would be pulling band aid – but if you want to get at the meaning, you’d have to go with ‘attraction’).

As floor manager I basically manage the bar area, which is where everything gets done, except for the bits where the orders get taken, the money gets collected, the food and drinks get brought and the goods get consumed. In other words, I’m working the production side of things. Not a great deal of customer contact – which is a bit of shame (I like talking to people) but I do get to tell other people what to do and I like telling other people what to do.

Well, I will get to tell other people what to do. Right now people still think they need to tell me what to do. It’s quite alright, really. At least I get all the information that I need to run a smooth bar, whether I want it or not. I’ve decided I’m going to hold back on giving too many instructions until I’m certain that I’ve got my skill set well under control. I’ve always found it’s hard to take orders from somebody who isn’t doing their job well themselves.

Truth be told, I don’t think the majority of the people realise yet that I’m going to be in charge. I don’t know who they think is going to be in charge, though. Or maybe they think we’re working in a communist bar, where everybody’s equal. Most of the staff there aren’t very experienced in bar work – so maybe they don’t realise that somebody needs to be in charge.

How wrong they are.

At least everybody is nice and everybody seems well impressed with how quick I’m picking everything up (yesterday, my first day, was quite busy and I was running the bar alone – yet still there were no complaints, I even got compliments!)

How long can I do the job? I don’t know. It’s hard work and it isn’t exceptionally well paid, but it might be fun for a few months. Besides, the owner of the place (she hired me) has already asked if I want to help organise a party on the bridge at the end of the summer. If I get to do things like that, I might be able to hold on a bit longer.

In the end, it’s basically like everything else in my life; we’ll have to wait and see. After all, ‘life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans’ (-John Lennon).

I do wonder though, does that mean that if I don't plan for things, I don't have a life?

Final Cut

The (near?) final version of my film arrived in the post today. My wonderful producer sent it to me from Ireland and I got to watch it for the first time in its (near?) final form. My sister and my mother both also got to see it and they seemed impressed (of course, they have to be impressed, but it’s a matter of how they say it – not what they say).

It’s come a damned long way from the first draft that I saw somewhere in January. That one made me cry. This one I’m actually not ashamed to show to people. No, that’s not doing it enough justice; I’m actually proud of this one.

It’s amazing how much can be done in post. We cut it, twisted it, turned it inside out, added sound, took away scenes, warped the colours, adjusted the shots and generally turned it into a completely different animal. I think it was a street dog before and now it’s a zebra (no, don’t read deeper into that one, there’s nothing there. I just felt like somehow including a zebra).

The last time I saw it was in India somewhere at the end of January. That’s when I returned to Bangalore to edit the film again. At that time we managed to get the story to finally work, but the sound was still lacking, this time around that had been included. My producer (this is the Italian lady I spoke about often while I was in Bangalore, for those of you who’ve been reading for that long) really managed to bring out the moods in the piece.

You don’t realise how important music and sound are to make a movie work. From a shrug it turned the film into a thumbs up. You know what? I think everybody should have their own theme music for a day, just so that they can realise the importance of sound. I’d like to have my own theme music, I’d imagine it would include a lot of crazy violin playing and cellos; lot’s of string instruments.

I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yes! So when will you get to see it? Ah. That one I don’t know. Ultimately I really want to put it online, but I don’t know how that’s going to work. The problem is that the piece is very sound and visual dependent. It wouldn’t work terribly well at a low resolution and with the metallic sound of PC speakers.

On the other hand, this was ultimately always meant to be an advertisement of our talents and advertisements really work best when they are seen by lots of people. The solution is not immediately obvious to me, but as soon as it is I’ll be sure to inform all of you. First let’s try to make sure it gets into a bunch of film festivals. I certainly think it will get into a few, though I don’t know if it will win.

But then I really don’t know anything anymore, because I really can’t see it like a normal person anymore. I can’t detach and watch it like the audience would, so ultimately if I want to know how good it is I’ll have to listen to what the audience thinks.

Always a dangerous proposition, listing to the masses.

To Be Expected

I was sitting in the tram earlier and I suddenly started thinking about expectations. It was triggered by a story I remembered, of a man who went clubbing frequently and made it a habit to tip extraordinary amounts to the bouncers, as well as give away expensive bottles of champagne to people he hadn’t even spoken to.

As you can understand, this all made him very popular initially; but soon it was expected. The bouncers got angry if he didn’t tip well and strangers wanted to talk to him for the free booze he might give. He was still considered a little special, but it was far out of proportion to the amount of money he was spending.

When people expect something they no longer see the behaviour as special. This goes from the small to the big. For example, not long ago wars were common and people were very happy when there was a period of peace. Now, however, we are used to peace and grumble about conflicts in far away countries that take very few lives, compared to what went before. Initially we were very happy when our loved ones gave us a lot of attention, but now we expect it and barely bat an eyelid. This behaviour can be seen back in children quite quickly, as they haven’t yet mastered subtlety; children will often run to daddy when he comes back from his business trip and shout ‘did you get me anything?’; then they get upset when this isn’t the case.

It can go the other way too. Teachers will snap at children that aren’t doing anything wrong, for example, because they expect them to behave badly. Discrimination is another form of expectation. We expect the minority to act badly, therefore give them fewer chances and treat them with hostility (which in turn might lead a perfectly good person from this minority to fall into bad behaviour). This also why it is so hard to get rid of corruption in many countries; the expectation that everybody is corrupt means that those people that aren’t can’t actually get their work done.

Expectation isn’t all bad, of course. It protects us from being cheated several times by the same person or people; it means we don’t worry about such things as whether the sun will rise tomorrow; and it means we trust others to do their jobs. We expect the police officer to do his job, we expect the trains to drive on time and we expect the traffic lights not to jump to green in both directions.

The problem is just that when we don’t think about expectations we end up taking things for granted that are actually very special – the kindness of a loved one, another day in good health, a job that pays on time and pays well – I am guilty of it myself, I will immediately admit. That’s why, from here on in, I’m going to try and take more time each day to think about the expectations that I’ve got and whether they are beneficial or restrictive.

My life is special and it would be nice if I could spend more time remembering that.

Hay Fever

Yesterday I must have sneezed over two hundred times. I’m not exaggerating, at one point I didn’t stop sneezing for about ten minutes. Afterwards my mother asked me why I was so snappy and easily angered. I snapped at her.

I don’t think anybody that doesn't have allergies can understand how frustrating it is to have allergies. They think ‘what are you complaining about, sneezing isn’t that bad!’ no it isn’t, when you only do it twice, but I can promise you that it becomes an absolute living nightmare when you do it quite a bit more. It’s exhausting. You can compare it to having a niggling cold that won’t go away for a whole season (three to four months, for those uninitiated in the season thing).

And the thing is, I haven’t had any allergies for seven years. Seven years! I thought ‘I’ll probably have outgrown it by now’ and how wrong I was. I just wish that I’d picked up some anti-histamine when I left India. There it was cheap, you didn’t need a prescription and it was available everywhere. Here I basically need to first get insured (which is expensive) then go to a doctor (which is expensive) who will then forward me to an allergy doctor (which is expensive) after which I can finally go to the pharmacy to get my drugs (which is expensive). Yes, I get the last three back, but only in a few months time. My money problems aren’t in three month’s time, they are right now.

And spring is my favourite season! It’s the season I missed most when I was away (If I had a choice, I’d live in a place where the weather constantly fluctuates between spring and summer).

To add insult to injury, all the people around me seem to be completely allergy free. They don’t even know what anti-histamine is. All, except my girlfriend, but she was an hour and a half away by train yesterday, which isn’t really a distance you can just go and travel to stop sneezing.

I just know it’s one bleedin’ plant that grows just here in Holland that I can’t stand; one plant which is trying to kill me. I’m convinced that as soon as I hit anywhere else it won’t be a problem anymore – it just grows in Holland.

Another argument against the Netherland. That makes four; the language, the assumption that all Dutch people make that they know everything better, the weather and that one plant that gives me allergies. Let’s hope it stays at four, because otherwise I might start doubting my decision to come here.

Dutch as a Second Language

You cannot imagine how frustrating it is to have to speak Dutch again. Let me try to find an apt metaphor; maybe you could describe it being a young child and suddenly hitting puberty. Your body changes and grows awkward, your voice doesn’t respond properly and you suddenly lose all that grace that you’ve gained over the last ten years. Suddenly you have no confidence, no faith and feel clumsy. That’s a pretty apt metaphor.

The problem is that people expect me to speak Dutch because I am Dutch originally (actually, I kind of expect it from myself as well, so it’s double up) it doesn’t matter that I’ve lived outside for 2/3rds of my life; I am Dutch, so I shall speak Dutch. I’m actually in a worse position than people that come here speaking no Dutch, at least they can get away for a long time with speaking English and nobody will hold it against them.

Gone is my quick wit, gone is my confidence, gone is my ability to argue anybody under the table, gone is my faultless language control. Instead I now know how people that aren’t good with words feel every day. That’s probably a good thing, now I understand how others feel when I drill them into the ground with my words and my scorn; but that doesn’t help me find a job!

Long term good, short term bad. If I can survive the short term (which might be a bit of a challenge, as my money is certainly not increasing) then ultimately I’ll gain a great deal from this. I’ve got to keep that in mind every time I bumble with the language to keep my spirit up, ‘one day soon I’ll be able to speak two languages at near perfect level. If I survive now then later I have yet another skill.’ It’s like a mantra that I repeat before I go to sleep. Some people meditate, I promise myself I can speak Dutch soon. No, not really, but it would make for a good story!

Memories

The party sucked. I was the only person there from my year and I only slightly recognised one other person. All in all there was maybe a grand total of 50 people there, which is pretty pathetic if you consider that 200 students have graduated every year since 2001 and there’s 600 people at the school right now. In other words, less than 2% of the people showed up.

Being back in Utrecht was fun, though. I had an hour before the party started, so I drifted through a couple of streets and sat at a couple of bars. I visited the place where I had my first job after college and had two beers there (one on the house), I also saw my favourite donor Kebab place was still there – unfortunately I was still full from dinner so I had to forgo feasting there, but it was nice to know it still existed.

They layout of the town is still imprinted on my memory. I still knew where streets led and where turnoffs went. As I wandered around memories kept popping to the surface, stirred loose by buildings and sights I didn’t even remember I knew and now suddenly had whole histories associated with them again. The Thai restaurant where I learned to eat spicy food; the place I discussed throwing bricks in glass houses; the shop I bought all my books; the hot chocolate place where we discussed all our plans, none of which seem to have come to fruition.

The funny thing is, when I walked through Frankfurt it wasn’t the same. I didn’t have all these memories resurface. Is it because it was too long ago, or was my time in Utrecht just more intense? Utrecht is certainly a great deal prettier than Frankfurt. I’d forgotten how pretty Dutch cities could be. I’m surprised no more non-pot smoking tourists come to the Netherlands. You’d think more people would be fascinated by the visible history in places like Amsterdam and Utrecht. There you can see what a few hundred more years of history and a good preservation policy can mean for a place.

I think it’s probably the weather. The prettiness in Holland is so dependent on the weather and the weather is, unfortunately enough, so undependable that a whole holiday can be largely ruined because the weather gods temperamental tantrums.

It’s the same for people that live here, as well. I continue to believe that one of the primary reasons I ran away all those years ago is the weather – while I pray I was wrong.

Networking

Tonight I’m going to Utrecht for the first time since I’ve been back. There’s a party there for the University College Utrecht, which I attended oh so many years ago and I think that it’s a good idea for me to attend. The annoying thing is that the party only starts at 23:00 at night, which means I won’t be making it home till very early in the morning. I’m not really looking forward to that part. Actually, to be completely honest, I’m not looking forward to the entire party.

Still, I’m going. Why am I going to a party that I don’t really want to go to and that I’ll have trouble getting back from? As the title suggests, because of networking. I need to spread my tendrils through Dutch soil; as even out here it is all about who you know.

Some would call that a very bleak world view; with me being amongst them. Going to a party simply for the people you might meet there and the help they might offer you is a rather un Kantian (I think it’s Kant) view of the world around us. Some would argue that it’s the height of not seeing a person as an end, but rather as a means to an end, which is – as Kant tells us – immoral.

So why do I engage in an activity that could be seen as immoral? Well, first of all very few people still really follow the Kantian model of ethics. In fact, very few people even know about the Kantian model of ethics, which isn’t really any sort of argument against the model (It’s probably even fallacious!) nonetheless, it seems a bit pointless to follow an ethical model that is largely unknown and ignored.

What is more, as most realists understand, you can’t always do good if you want to get anywhere in life. When I went to university I was an idealist and boy, did that ever get in the way! Sure, it’s important to have ideals, but that’s quite different from being an idealist. Being idealistic is, in many ways, being naïve. The world doesn’t work as it should, it works as it does.

And networking is a part of that. We must somehow lay the connections throughout the fabric of the society we live in to get the things done that we want to. We can’t see every person we meet as an end in and of themselves because we simply do not have the time. We can’t consider the shopkeeper as a person, or the garbage man (person?). Hell, the police officer doesn’t even want to be seen as a person, as that undermines his or her role as arm of the law (I’m not quite sure why I suddenly went all PC either).

Networking is, in that case, not as bad. At least you try to make a connection with a person, even if the reason for that connection is simply that it makes it more likely that you’ll help each other later, when help is needed. That basically raises another one of those ethical conundrums, should we consider the action or the thought behind the action?

No, I really can’t think about another fundamental philosophical concept today, so I’ll just leave it at where it is. Kantian ethics is nice and good and it can be considered deeply while we’re practicing our armchair philosophy, but can't really be lived.

Cultures

I’m doing alright, thanks for asking. Things are moving along. I don’t yet have work, I don’t yet have my own house and I haven’t yet handed in application for university, but all three are progressing. I was offered one house (I turned it down, it wouldn’t have worked out), updated my CV, sent it out, put it online, got registered in Amsterdam, got a bank account and got in contact with the department in the university that I want to attend (they responded very positively when I told them my situation).

Is it enough? No, not really. I really should be doing a great deal more; but I’m having a bit of trouble getting back into the swing of things. Why? (and this an explanation, not an excuse) I think it’s partially down to getting settled back into ‘normal’ life and partially Culture Shock.

Seven years is a long time. I really have been Asianised in the time I was gone. It’s so strange, when I went out to Asia there were a lot of occasions where people tried to explain to me that how I was behaving was, I'm not exactly sure how to put it, out of sync. I argued at length with them about the why and the what, trying to find out why they thought their way was better. Now I come here and I’m on the other side of the equation. I suddenly understand what those people were telling me when I came out to Asia.

But I’m speaking too abstractly, let me give an example. When I first went out to Asia I was all about honesty, straightforwardness, telling it as it was and speaking my mind (yes, they’re pretty much all the same thing, but it looks much more impressive this way) I was, at that time, confronted with an attitude of lies, half-truths and cowardice.

Now I come back with an attitude of live and let live, avoiding judgement, leaving people in their values and avoiding negative emotions. I am now confronted with an attitude of rudeness, intrustiveness, asocial behavior and holier than thou attitudes.

Two different ways of viewing the same thing; neither of them wrong, but both of them together can cause a lot of problems. Ultimately, of course, this will make me even better at interacting with different nationalities, cultures and peoples. It will give me the ability to manage situations that others can't even understand. For now, though, I'm left with a culture shock and having to adapt once again.

The Basics of Evolution

I met one of those people who doesn’t believe in evolution again. I was a bit stunned, as for me not believing in evolution is like not believing in gravity. I’ve kind of taken to not even trying to explain it anymore, because there are only two reasons why people don’t believe in evolution and those are religion and ignorance (often both at the same time). Arguing with the first is pointless (as they can’t accept evolution since it is at complete odds with their faith) while argueing with the second is a waste of time, as anybody that says they don’t believe when really they don’t understand is really somebody I’d be better off avoiding.

Still, as you might well know I have a tendency to break my own rules (after all, everything I believe will probably be proven wrong at some point in the future) so here I’ll again try to explain the basics of evolution.

First off, evolution is something that works over a very, very, very, very long time. It does not happen in one life time, it doesn’t happen in ten life times, in fact it only happens in thousands of life times. That’s the point. Only when you have that kind of time can evolution take place. The reason for this is that evolution is all about miniscule changes that you barely perceive per generation. It was not that one generation there were monkeys and the next there were people. We are very, very distant relatives of monkeys (for one thing, they didn’t stop evolving either).

Consider a photocopying machine. Every time you make a copy, it is a little bit different from the generation before; a slightly different angle, a slightly different colour, etc. We are copies of our parents (a little bit from one, a little bit from the other) with a very, very small chance of mutations (no copy is ever perfect). The amount of mutations is really, really tiny – so tiny that none of our own copying mechanism compare. Still, it happens. These mutations are generally harmful and the unfortunate child doesn’t replicate, or replicates a great deal less than its generation mates; but on occasion there’s a helpful mutation (a little faster, a little stronger, a little smarter, a little bigger, you get the idea).

These mutations make the fortunate receiver a little fitter (remember that expression, survival of the fittest?) and as a result they get more than their generation mates and therefore are able to have more children than their generation mates. Those children that also get this mutation (not all them will, a little from the mother, a little from the father) will also be a little better than their fellows. As a result the mutation spreads, at the expense of the original, un-mutated version of the species.

Of course, the advantage is very small and therefore can take many thousands of generations to spread through the whole population. That’s why there’s different versions of the same species – especially if the two versions of the species were separated.

Which brings us to the next part of evolution – a new species is formed when two originally same species populations are somehow split (mountains, distance, rivers, what ever) and evolution is allowed to work on both independently. First off, not the same mutations will happen (mutations are random) and secondly, their environment might be different, which would mean different mutations would deliver different advantages (for instance, seeing far would be much more useful on the savannah than in the forest). Slowly these mutations accumulate, until the two original groups have changed so much they can't even mate with each other anymore.

So why can’t we find some in between monkey man? Well, in all probability because we’re an incredibly aggressive species and have long since eliminated the competition. Monkeys have evolved into their own niche, where we don’t feel greatly challenged, but any species that tries to occupy the same niche as we occupy (ground dwelling omnivores with a preference for the savannahs) will have to compete with us - Winner takes all. Apparently it was us that won.

Also, if we would have come into existence slowly all over the world, then there would probably be more versions of intelligent, upright walking creatures; but we only came out of one place, Africa. So there was really only space for once species, us. Of course, there was another species much like us, the Cro Magnon – but they all seem to have kicked the bucket as well.

Another mistakes is to think that evolution has stopped. It hasn’t. We are not the peak of evolution, we are not the end result that evolution was aiming for. All species that exist on this world today are equally as evolved as we are. Evolution has spent just as much time on them as it has on us. They just have different tools than us.

And don’t think that we’ve got the best tools, either. There might be a lot of us, but ultimately it isn’t about how many are around now, but about who sticks around the longest. We’ve been around for a very short time and at the rate we’re going, we won’t be around much longer. In fact, if you really want to know what is possibly the most ‘advanced’ on the planet (as in, it would survive the best what ever happens and is therefore the fittest) it would be the humble (and hated) cockroach.

Now I can tell you more, but I’ve already well overshot my normal length. Instead I advise you to read Richard Dawkins’ book ‘The Selfish Gene’ and if you’ve read that, that and still aren’t convinced by evolution, then we’ll talk.

PS: Please don’t let the fact that Richard Dawkins wrote the book ‘The God Delusion’ influence your decision to read ‘The Selfish Gene’. First off all, that book was written now and the Selfish Gene nearly twenty years ago; secondly it’s the message that matters, not the messenger.

PPS: 'The Selfish Gene' is possibly one of the best written books I've ever read, in case you're worried about that. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it really taught me a great deal. If I could write like Richard Dawkins, I'd be happy as a writer.

People programming

I’m currently reading the book ‘Critical Mass’ by Philip Ball (yes, the philosophical musing is back. And you thought it had gone for good!) which is all about how physics can be applied to human society. Brilliant idea and very well written – though I do put that up with a warning, the first 100 pages or so are all about statistics which many people might find a bit of a drag.

Today I’m going to talk about one element of what he’s spoken about so far. A group of scientists, under the direction of Helbing and Molnár, created a very simple computer program in which simple simulations (called peploids by the author) follow a set of simple rules. These are such rules as ‘don’t get too close to other people’ and ‘move from A to B’ (or B to C and so forth) then these peploids are released in an environment and watched.

The interesting thing is that despite the fact that these things have a great deal fewer ideas running through their simple little programming, the way they move through their environment is very similar to how we ourselves move. For example, if a simulation is made of a corridor with a doorway, the peploids seem to follow a similar burst like pattern as we ourselves do (first a group from this side, then a group from the other side).

This set me thinking about how complex our personal movement actually is. We might think we apply a great deal of consideration and ethical reasoning (letting other people go first, not pushing, etc.) to how we move around, but if such a simple simulation can mimic us so exactly, then do we really do all that we believe we do?

In other words, this helped me once again call into question our supposed sophistication. We believe we’re terribly sophisticated (we have to, as we need to sustain our exaggerated self importance) but are we really? Isn’t it perfectly believable that some of our genetic ‘programming’ is in fact incredibly simple, for the obvious reason that there just never was any need for it to become more complex? We follow this programming blindly and it serves us perfectly well, yet in our minds we’re tempted to add all this non-existent complexity so as to maintain the illusion of our own supposed superiority.

Where else can we see this sort of behaviour? I’m actually asking that, because I haven’t given that part a great deal of thought yet. It might be seriously worth giving some thought, though; as finding other areas were we operate far simpler than we believe would possibly offer some immense opportunities. What kind of opportunities? Well, obviously in terms of sales it would be very interesting. By designing an environment to take advantage of people’s inherent programming we could increase sales and profit. It might also be very interesting in terms of politics and social cohesion (though, obviously, that would be something for the government to look at – I very much doubt they’re going to listen to me.)

And what about the ethics? Some people might object that it is unethical to use people’s inherent programming to ‘manipulate’ them into behaving contrary to what they might naturally be inclined to do. Obviously, I don’t agree. It is a person’s responsibility to be as well informed as possible and avoid allowing others to have an advantage of them by ways of their physiology and psychology. If they let themselves be manipulated, then I believe responsibility lies largely with them. A good analogy would be the law: Ignorance of the Law does not protect you from the law. Ignorance of your inner workings does not mean others shouldn’t use it against you. It is your job to know your own mind; conscious and unconscious.

Face 2 Face

I just found out about this project that's going on in Israel and Palestine. It's caled 'Face 2 Face'and it's a sequence of pictures put up on walls showing Palistinians and Isrealies pulling funny faces. Their idea is that humour will help the two sides find peace.

Not only is it a good idea, but the pictures are also beautiful. Check it out.

What Motivates Me?

The last few weeks have been spent thinking deeply about what motivates me for the obvious reason that I needed to tell the people at the university exactly that and if I have to tell them, well then obviously I have to know.

The problem is that I’m pretty sure that the answer I came up with, self improvement, will not go down too well with the board; for the simple reason that they’ve probably heard it a hundred times before and didn’t believe it the first time they heard it, either.

Which is bloody annoying, because in my case I actually realy do mean it. My life ambition has become self-improvement, with the underlying ambition of being recognised for my accomplishments. Of course, that you really, totaly and absolutely can’t write in your letter of motivation. It’s a bit like them asking ‘why do you want to work for our company?’ and you answering ‘because I want money, your money specifically.’ I can think of worse things to say (e.g. I want to get close to you so that I can sleep with your daughter, wife and/or dead grandmother) but not many.

So why does it matter that I don’t want to tell them something they’ve heard a hundred times before? Isn’t it a good idea to go with the tried and proven? Well, no. I can’t play it safe as I don’t actually qualify for their study. If I play it safe they’ll pick somjebody else who played it safe who does actually qualify.

So I have to hit them with a whopper of a letter that makes them think, ‘hey, maybe we should invite this guy in for a talk’. Once I’ve accomplished that, I’ll be that step closer. From there it will be just a matter of talking my way inside (yes, just. It might not be just, but I’d rather worry about one thing at a time (well, twenty things, I’m also worried about not having a job, not having a bank account, not having a house, not being registered in Holland, not having a great deal of money and what I’m eating for dinner; but that’s not what I’m writing about in this post – stop distracting me!))

And now you’re expecting me to tell you how I’m going to do that. I would tell you, but unfortunately I don’t know yet. I wrote one recomendation letter, but it was turned down by two ‘editors’ so I’ve been forced to do it again. Once I’ve got a result, I’ll be sure to share it with you all (once it’s got me inside, that is).

Good weather, good mood

I’ve moved house. Originally I was staying at my mother’s friend’s house (with my mother, who was here for a few days; it was very nice) now I’m staying with my sister. Here too I can’t stay too long and after that I’ve only got one willing family member left (my aunt). I better hurry up with finding myself a place to stay.

The weather is beautiful and this is a good thing. For the rest, things could be progressing a little faster but I’m relatively positive about my future. Amsterdam is a fantastic city, with friendly people who are always willing to have a chat and those chats will very frequently lead to good advice, help or at least a better mood.

There’s one thing that’s a bit of a drag. A few weeks ago I spoke about somebody that was occupying a great deal of my thinking time. I’ve since met her in Rotterdam (where she lives) and we’ve fallen for each other even more. That is, of course, a good thing. Her living in Rotterdam, on the other hand, is a bad thing. So close, yet still too far!

I’m sure later on it will be easier to live apart, but right when you just start a relationship having to be apart isn’t very much fun at all. Yes, it’s a lot easier to get my work done, but no I don’t really want to be doing my work. I just want to go to Rotterdam!

Can’t have everything. Actually, can’t have a lot of things. I’ve got somebody that I care about and she cares about me; that really should be enough.

Of course, nothing is ever enough. That’s the nature of man.

I imagine some of you are still a bit stunned about the word ‘relationship’ that suddenly just popped into my text above. Even more so, i imagine, for my regular readers seeing as only a few weeks ago I wrote an entry about how I wasn’t in anyway ready.

I wasn’t.

Unfortunately matters of the heart don’t let your head decide them (I’ve discussed that often enough already). No, you still can’t trust emotions, yes I’m still of the opinion that they are geared towards a life style that is completely different from ours, but damn it certainly feels good to feel good.
That is, of course, why we get into so much trouble with our emotions. That sounds rather pesimistic, doesn’t it? And that on such a beautiful day when I’m so positive.

Happy-go-lucky is going to be my motto for the next few weeks. As that’s most certainly the best way to get what you want. I need people to help me and people most certainly help those people more whose energy they like. Stay positive and everything will work itself out.

Yes, I’ve been to the gym two times in the last two days. Can you tell?

Bumpy

And then things start going wrong. They have to, of course. Things always go wrong when you just arrive in a new place. Yet it still remains frustrating when it happens. This one’s an interesting one.

I can’t get a bank account until I have a house where I’m registered; I can’t get a phone until I have a bank account and it’s rather hard to get a home (or a job) without a place for people to call. I can’t register a new phone on my mother’s or my sister’s account, because neither of them have bank cards (weird, but true) and I can’t get a pre-paid because me phone is completely flat and my charger is lying in Germany.

Hmmm…

Of course my mother didn’t tell me she didn’t have a Dutch bank card. I assumed she had one and she assumed that because we’re all part of the EU a German card would do. Both reasonable assumptions, but both wrong. We spent an hour and a half deciding on what deal would suit me best, before we discovered the error of our ways. The lady in the shop tried to do it with the German card, but alas, no bananas.

I also discovered that the course I want to get into in university requires a GPA 0.3 higher than I had first thought, which puts me firmly out of reach. Of course, the that doesn’t mean I can’t attend (seeing as it’s seven years ago that I did attend, so hopefully there’s some scope for extenuating circumstances), but that didn’t help terribly much either.

My mood, as you might suspect, is a bit down once again. Hopefully that will all resolve itself this evening as one thing I did discover is an affordable gym (I’ve really noticed I crash damned hard if I don’t go to the gym regularly anymore – which basically means I’m now addicted to exercise. Well, I guess there are worse things to be addicted to).

Fight the dip is what I keep telling myself. There’s no time for self-pity or depression now. I have no job, nor much else to fall back on. Keep on going and find solutions. After all, all the problems so far are not that difficult to solve.

I’m just worried that with so many problems already looming, what more is going to come along? These are all problems that I could see coming and there’s always at least one major problem that you don’t see coming. What, I wonder, will that be? I guess we’ll see.

Fight the dip – find the strength. Hopefully if I can just keep telling myself that, the next time I look up I’ll be out the other end.

Somehow I doubt it.