Applied Body Language

This weekend I experimented with body language. I’ve been studying it for a while now, but this weekend I really focused on reading other people’s body language and giving out the right body language myself. The effect, to put it mildly, has been tremendous. Being able to understand what somebody else is thinking before they say something, or what they really mean when they are saying it can have a huge effect on rapport building. What’s more, by consciously working on my own body language I not only influence other people’s reactions, but also my own mood.

So my piece of advice for today (I’ve got a lot of advice, I admit) is to pick up a body language book and try to internalise the information inside. It will honestly make a world off difference to you and people’s reactions to you.

That’s not terribly convincing in and of itself, so I think I’ll give you some examples to think about.

1) Last night we were standing in a club, when a young man walked over that none of us particularly liked. In one sentence, he tries to hard and in that way really gets on everybody’s nerves. We didn’t want him to be a part of our group, but we didn’t want to be rude and tell him to fuck off. So, instead, the guy and I who were talking closed off our communication circle (he’s studying body language too) and within five minutes he had taken the non-verbal cue and walked away to bother somebody else.

What do I mean with ‘closed off our communication circle’? Okay, normally when you’re talking to a person you stand at about a 45 degree angle to them. This is natural and creates a triangle, with two points taken and the third point free. Anybody that walks up to the triangle will naturally take the third point, thereby making a complete triangle. If the people are happy with that person there, they will continue to stand in the same way and the conversation continues.

If, on the other hand, they don’t want the person there they turn towards each other, facing each other full on. This is a much more intimate (or intimidating if the people don’t know each other very well) way of standing. It informs the third person, subconsciously, that he or she is not welcome and unless they are complete social morons, they will quickly pick up on that and bugger off. This actually works.

2) Your body language conveys your mood and how comfortable you are in a situation. How comfortable you are in a situation in turn influences how important people think you are in a room. Therefore, the more comfortable you appear in a situation, the more important people will think you are. Closed body language (folded arms, head tucked down, folded legs, etc.) makes you come across as defensive and uncomfortable. People will not approach you and will think you are of lower social standing. Open body language (open arms, legs apart, taking up extra space and head tilted straight or tilted back) conveys you are comfortable and as a result will make people think you are more confident, more approachable and of higher social status.

What is more, when you do this you actually end up feeling more comfortable! You will find yourself speaking more and being more accepting of other people’s moods and ideas. Your mind doesn’t just influence your body, but your body also influences your mind.

3) Where you sit at a table actually influences your status in the group your in. What is more, it will impact how you sit. Sitting with your back to a wall will make you more comfortable than sitting with your back to an open space. When you are more comfortable, you take on more comfortable body language. With your back to an open space, on the other hand, you will feel more defensive as you’re not sure what is approaching behind you. This will close you off, which again will impact how much you talk and how people see you. The best place to sit is at a table is at the head, with your back to the wall. The worst place is at a side with your back not only towards an open space but also an exit.

Next time you’re sitting at a table just watch who speaks most. Interestingly, you will find that those in the more comfortable positions will speak more and you can actually make a shy and quiet person become more talkative and (vica versa) a loud person quieter by putting them in these types of positions.

That’s just three little things that I haven’t only read about, but actually seen in action over the last few days. This stuff works. If you don’t believe me, try it. Then go out and buy yourself a body language book!