Alpha

I never used to be the alpha, but of late I am. I notice it in the way that people interact with me, behave towards me and want to be around me. After many months of study, practice and experimentation I am now frequently the leader of the groups I am in. People expect me to make the decision, look to me for acceptance and want me to set the mood.

Some people are naturally alpha. I am not. Everything I am today has been learned from literature, observation and my own thought process. When I was younger I was a social outcast. I had very few friends, was considered weird by most people and generally didn’t have much of a social life. I was introverted, felt uncomfortable talking and was generally shunned by people that cared about their social image.

Here I’d like to talk about what I did to change from somebody at the bottom of the pack to somebody at the top. Most of this stuff has already been mentioned in numerous books, essays and forums. I realise that quite a lot of this will sound repetitive. Still, I include it here because I want to include the whole package, not just those bits that are new (if there are any).

First I’d like to start by talking about the inner alpha, as I think that it is better to start fixing your inner game, before you start fixing your outer game. For one thing, when you’ve got the right frame the rest will all happen quite naturally. Though there might still be quirks that need to be ironed out, it will all flow much more naturally if you’ve go the right mindset. There is a lot of stuff to being an alpha, so I’ll only include some of it in this post. So here are the first four, in no particular order (they’ve been written as they came to my mind):

Alphas expect to be obeyed.

Alphas do not use words like ‘could’ ‘would’ or ‘might’, they tell other people what they want them to do, because they expect other people to do them. So you don’t say ‘could you pass me the butter’ but you say ‘pass me the butter’. You can include please, if you like. Being alpha does not mean being nasty and impolite.

Alphas also make decision for the group and expect others to follow their decisions. This does not mean they walk all over other people’s opinions. Quite to the contrary, they might well wait with making their decision until they’ve heard what everybody else suggests and then go with the suggestion that they think will be best. If, however, nobody knows what to do then the alpha will decide a course of action.

This might sound rude to you, but that’s because society’s ideals are not actually in line with our natural state of mind. We are led to believe in democracy, freedom and free will, but in small group dynamics people give up some of their freedoms in order for group cohesion and enjoyment. People don’t mind if others make the decisions, as long as those decisions bring them something. One thing a leader’s decision brings the rest of the group is a more dynamic time (as they don’t end up arguing endlessly about what’s going to happen next) as well as freedom from responsibility. They don’t have to stick their necks out, as the alpha is doing that for them.

Alphas do not mind if others take the spot light.

Sometimes people want to be alphas and they constantly hog all the attention and the spot light. This is because they are insecure in their alpha status. They are not true alphas, as a true alpha doesn’t mind somebody else taking over for a while, as they still know that they are the leaders. In fact, the alpha of the group need not necessarily be the most talkative person in the group. Some alphas are very quiet, but they dominate by force of will and personality.

An alpha that is insecure in his alpha status will soon be out alphad and might not even be aware of it. What is more, they will quickly get annoying to the other people in the group. A lot of people like to talk and if they don’t get the chance, they will resent the person who is hogging too much of the attention. A true alpha is like a chairman, deciding who should speak by focusing their attention on them (at which point others will follow their lead).

Alphas do not try to be alphas.

An alpha is an alpha. They do not have to try to be an alpha. Anybody that tries to be an alpha is, by definition, not the alpha. In fact, people that try very hard are often resigned to the bottom of the pack. Alphas do not try, they are.

So what does that mean? It means that you tell stories, do tricks and generally behave the way you do because that’s what you enjoy and because you do it well, other people enjoy it too. You talk about things that interest you or talk about things that interest other people because you’re interested in them. You don’t do it because the person will like you more if you do that. You don’t need to be liked, you already are.

If you do things for your own enjoyment people will catch your mood and believe you to be more genuine (which is true). They will enjoy being around you because you give them energy by being full of energy.

Alphas do not seek approval, they give approval.

Alphas rarely ask such questions as ‘Do you like it if I do [blah]’ or ‘do you mind if I do [blah]’. This is because that is a form of approval seeking. The alpha knows not only that he is already approved, but that he must be the one to approve of others. Other people will frequently ask them for their advice and ask them about what they should, or shouldn’t do.

This does not mean the alpha doesn’t care about what other people think. Of course they do, because otherwise they would soon lose their alpha status. They just watch for how others approve through more subtle cues. They read body language and listen to what others say without the alpha prodding. What somebody says in approval about you without you asking is far more valuable than when you try to force them to give you complements. The first types of complements are much more likely to be genuine than the second.

Alphas also give approval to others and, because they are leaders of the group, this approval is very much appreciated. When the alpha of the group gives a complement, this can make another person’s day. Note, however, that this power is lost if you give too many complements. Complements should be used sparingly and truly meant when they are given. That way they hold more value for everybody involved.

More is to follow, please give comments on what I’ve written so far. These are my observations, so they might not all be correct so I expect you to criticise, correct and counter. To be continued…