Portugal

I’m in Portugal, with my family and I’m broke. It’s quite depressing, to be honest about it. It makes me feel like a child again. I can’t pay for my own food, I can’t pay for transportation, I can’t go away on my own to have a beer and I can’t go and meet people. All of that costs money and I’ve got about 7 US left in my pocket.

I’m very tempted to start smoking again. Oh yeah, I might not have mentioned that. I haven’t smoked a cigarette since I’ve left India. Till now it hasn’t been too much of a problem, but now I’ve got no money and I’m surrounded by smokers again (my sister and her boyfriend both smoke) and my mettle is being tested. Please don’t put any comments on here about that I shouldn’t smoke. I know I shouldn’t smoke, it isn’t a matter of what I should and shouldn’t do. It’s a matter of what’s stronger: willpower or desire.

I’m starting to regret coming to Portugal. I know it’s good for me to be here with my family, but I feel I’m losing time that I should be investing in getting my life together. It’s like I’m taking a week long holiday after an eight month break. It’s overkill.

Life is calling me and it’s incredibly frustrating not being able to answer. A ringing phone in a locked room.

As promised, I have started working on my poetry. At least something good is coming out of this time. I’ve already edited through about four or five of my poems in the last two days. I’m not yet sure if I’m going to put them up here yet. Hopefully I’ll actually be publishing them in some form or another. It would be nice if I finally managed to get something published in some way. It’s unfortunate that poetry can’t make you any money.

It still strikes me as strange that different types of art get paid so differently. You’re a successful musician, so you get paid billions. You’re a successful poet, so how are you going to pay your electricity bill? It is, of course, the matter of mass appeal and poetry is not massively appealing.

So I’m going to have to find a job and if I want to find a job, I better get my head (and my mood) up. I know myself and I can’t get anything done with people when I’m the way I am. So I guess now I know what I’ve got to do for the next five days, namely get myself in a more positive mood so that I can hit the ground running when I hit Holland. That and somehow get together enough money to survive to my first pay check.

I knew the next few months were going to be difficult. I guess I just wasn’t expecting to have a great deal of time to sit around and think about it.

Next time I go on holiday with my family, I’m going to make sure that I have enough time to get away and do my own thing (keep myself busy). If I don’t have that, I’m not going to come.

Live and learn. Hell, that seems to be my life’s refrain.