Reading People

I don’t claim to be a star at reading other people (I’m a man, after all), but I’ve managed to pick up a few things along the way and I thought I’d throw them your way as well, in the hope that at least some of the ideas might be useful.

First off, reading other people isn’t a science, it’s an art and though you can be pretty certain about what somebody is thinking, you can never be absolutely certain. Take everything that you gleam from another person with the knowledge that you might have misinterpreted what’s going on. What that means is that you should always be willing to revise the view you have of another person when you gain new information.

Okay, now on to the juicy stuff. You can’t not communicate. That’s an important one (and probably one that I’ve already thrown your way, but never mind). This is true for everybody. That doesn’t mean that everybody is unable to physically shut up, obviously that’s not the case for most people (though I’ve met a few exceptions). It just means that even just with their body posture people are communicating to the others around them. Unfortunately for the people around them (and often fortunately for the people doing the communicating) people don’t really notice these body signals.

The way to notice these body signals is to stop dwelling in your own head and really pay attention to the people around you. Don’t worry about what you’re going to say or do next, but instead pay attention to what other people are saying and doing. Often what you’re going to say next will come to you naturally as a result of their words. I find that this has the secondary benefit of reducing my nervousness and anxiety, as I’m too busy watching the other person to notice my own doubts and worries. The way to get better at understand body signals is reading. You’ll have to pick up a book on body language as trail and error is just too slow of a process, unless you’ve already got a natural knack.

Secondly, don’t focus completely on what a person is saying. Listening well requires you to not just listen to what a person is saying, but also to how they say it (tone) and what they are doing while they say it (body language). In truth you don’t really want to hear what a person says, but rather what they are trying to say. Often, if a specific sentence might be interpreted in many ways, it is these other indicators that will tell you what interpretation to go with. If words and body language disagree (for example somebody says they don’t like you, even as they reach out and touch you) nine times out of 10 it’s the body language that speaks the truth. It’s easy to lie with words, much harder to lie with actions.

Thirdly, your own actions are a good indicator for how other people will work. If you notice certain things happening to you when you lie, or when you’re happy, or when you’re having a good conversation, or anything else, really, then you might suppose that those same signs mean the same with other people. Again, this is not a law cast in stone. People aren’t the same and will react different in different situations. Nonetheless, your own actions and their underlying emotions are a pretty good indicator of other what other people’s actions might mean.

Alright, that's it for this post. If anybody wants more exact examples I’ll be glad to supply them, all they have to do is ask.