Fizzle

I haven’t written for a long time. The reason is, quite simply, that I didn’t want to. The reason for that (there’s always a reason for everything) was that I was simply too exhausted. Correction, I just am too exhausted. Well, not at this exact moment in time. I just slept for two hours on the couch and I think I can summon the energy to write a post. I guess some people might be getting worried about me; after all, this is the only way that some people can still check up on me. Is he posting? Good, he must still be alive.

My job has been demanding all my energy. First it was physical energy and now it has turned into mental energy. My body has been trained now, it can take running around for ten hours, five days in a row. The muscle aches are gone. The problem is that the job is becoming more and more mentally demanding.

And my brain is suffering. It isn’t used to getting hundreds of things stamped into it every day – at least not in the way that is required here. It isn’t used to the stress anymore. After all, from nine months of no full-time job I was thrown into something quite intense. It is adapting. New connections are being made and such; soon I’ll be able to do all that is required from me and still have energy afterwards, but I haven’t quite got there yet.

This is showing up in a couple of places. Firstly my memory has been shot to hell. Things slip out of it constantly. I lose pieces of paper, phone chargers and keys; I forget important days, other people’s business and what I’m doing. It is actually accompanied by a feeling. It feels like my brain is fizzing.

Secondly I’ve lost motivation. I’ve stopped reading anything mildly challenging, as it’s pretty much pointless; it won’t stick anyway. I’ve stopped posting here, as it won’t be worth reading anyway (my brain is generally far too scattered.) I’m way less positive than a few weeks ago; in fact I might be slipping into one of my regular depressions. Hopefully realising it might mean I can do something about it.

Don’t worry, it will all pass. In fact, that fact that I’m posting here might mean I’m starting to come out the other end. Or it might be that two hours of sleep I just had. Maybe it’s both. Besides, I know I’m learning. My brain is being rewired to deal with this line of work, which will no doubt be very useful somewhere in the near future. It’s important to be able to remember dozens of things at the same time. You never know when that will be useful.

I’m looking forward to the rewiring being done, because it’s so frustrating when things slip from your mind that you really should remember. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes over the last few weeks and I hate making any kind of mistake, especially stupid ones. The brain is immensely adaptive and changeable. So hurry up and fucking well adapt. I’m getting sick of functioning below par.