Peace and Purpose

A little more than two weeks to go before I fly back to Bangalore. Then four more days and off to Dubai. I don’t have my ticket from Dubai home yet, but chances are good that I’ll be flying on straight from there to Frankfurt. Have to get my money together for the flight first, but hopefully that will all sort itself out without too much trouble.

Then I’ll probably get a few days rest and I’ll be off to Holland to sort out my application, then off to Portugal with my family for a bit (more) time in the sun. After that? Work away the summer while I wait (and hope) for my acceptance into university.

I have no idea what kind of a job I’ll be able to find back in Holland. Will my weak grasp of the Dutch language interfere with my chances? Or will I be able to find something that will let me utilise my strong grasp of the English language? I hope that, what ever my job may be, it won’t be boring. I guess that’s what we all hope.

I was talking the other day with somebody about the ability to turn off you mind and just do something mind numbing, like packing boxes, working on a production line or standing guard. I know that anything monotonous drives me absolutely up the wall within minutes. If I don’t have variation and change, I start going mental.

It kind of ties in with my inability to actually just do nothing. I can’t sit somewhere and watch the world go by, I have to always be actively involved. It always impresses me that people can just sit there, all content, while doing absolutely nothing. I often wonder who’s got it better, them or me? Is it better to be able to switch off and do nothing of consequence, or is it better to always want to be active, always want to be involved? I imagine that I get done more, while they have more peace of mind.

And peace of mind – I admit – I rarely have. I almost always feel haunted and pursued by the thoughts in my head. If I oversleep, I feel guilty for wasting my day; if I go out and party, I hate myself for wasting the time the day after. My entire time here in Goa has been tainted by an undertone of ‘maybe I could be doing something better with my time’. Not a great feeling to have, to be sure.

But then I’ve already spoken about that before, haven’t I? I think this feeling will probably leave me when I’m back in Europe, sorting out my university, because I really do believe that is the best thing for me to do right now. I certainly hope it leaves me, because I can’t imagine running around for the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’.

Who am I kidding? A huge chunk of the population spends the majority of their time wondering ‘what if’. Why do I think I’ll be any different? I shouldn’t be scared of it, really, I should instead be utilising it to make the best of myself.

Maybe once I’ve done that, I’ll be more at peace with myself.