Paradigm Shift

I’m standing at the edge of the light. Behind me is the known, the safe, the well lit and the well explored. In front of me is darkness, with shadows outnumbering the light and fantasies outnumbering the facts. The street lights end here. They don’t go any further than this. Beyond this point I have not yet trod.

I think it is slowly starting to settle in that I’m leaving. Something of especial significance since the chance that I’ll come back has dropped quite significantly since last week Thursday. These might well be the last few weeks in Singapore, if not ever, then at least for a long time.

I’m noticing that I’m changing. I’m altering into something new again. The cocoon is tearing and something is emerging. Not everything that grows inside chrysalises is always good, however.

We will have to wait and see.

Of course, when I’m running around in India that change will accelerate, though, in fact, the trip is already acting like a catalyst; as my behaviour is certainly already being influenced by the fast approaching end. I don’t care half as much as I used to. A great deal of the stuff going on around me just doesn’t really mean that much to me anymore.

‘Is it worth the effort?’ has been a question much on my mind. Should I really spend my time trying to fix this/ be nice about this/ be considerate/ go out of my way/ smooth out the rough patches/ resolve this, or should I just occupy my time with something more important or enjoyable, instead?

It is this thing, inside, where I just can’t be bothered. It is kind of nice way of going through life, though admittedly it is a bit cruel to the people around me.

But how nice do I really need to be?

I mean, how many of these people will I stay in touch with? How many will I still get letters from a year from now? Who will still matter a decade down the line?

Of course, the weird thing is that you’ll never know. You never know who you’re still talking to ten years from now. There are always these stories of people that end up being best mates despite everything. Everybody else has left, or died, or changed; but that unlikeliest of friends still remains.

Anyways, that shouldn’t be a motivational force.

But then, what should be?

‘When you’re feeling guilty there is nothing to worry about, it is when you stop feeling guilty that you should start worrying’